I have survived the first 2 days back to work. I started Monday with a parent at my door at 7:30 (they know I get there early) One of my students father has an aggressive case of cancer and is not expected to live very long. He was diagnosed days before his new baby was born. That certainly put my priorities in place. To be 27 and know you only have a few weeks to live----- so the first day was just visit, remember what we do at school and how to speak English again, let alone read it.
Then this morning I got about 4 blocks from home and realized I forgot my glasses (I wear them all the time) I figured I would just drive without and teach with sunglasses on no problem....Well my cell rang the alarm was going off at my house. I have a poodle we could call Houdini I don't know how he is getting in the house when I lock him out..He set off the alarm. Not a good start but at least I know I can always start my day over and I did. We had so much fun at work, I love my job (just not the mornings lately) I realize part of the morning problem is that J. Isn't home and I am a single mom of 3 dogs. I think the girls were easier they at least could follow directions. I don't know how I did it when I was a single mom with 2 four year olds and a 6 year old. No wonder after 2.5 years when their dad wanted to have full custody I said OK. Hats off to all single parents, I forgot what it was like. I guess it's a good thing we forget the hard parts huh? Looking forward to being back with the kids tomorrow. Can't wait for wifey poo to get home!

aaaahhhhhhh my wife went to Vegas for 4 days (work related) and I go to work tomorrow after off for 6 weeks and this is the face I wake up to, the other 2 dogs are mellow but Sammy is a wild man can you tell by his eyes

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

This is my backyard from my livingroom view (in May) and it makes me smile. It is now my screensaver so I can continue to smile.

Happy HNT
this is the first scarf I have made I am willing to let out in public and it goes to Hawaii! to #3 to have when she goes to Germany soon!

As this is my last day of vacation I am doing some blog browsing, I keep coming up with ones with food on them. I found a great idea on one of them. I am diabetic and try to watch my intake, but I love sweets. I found a great way to mint hot chocolate without sugar!
Add a mint tea bag to your hot chocolate and viola! mint hot cocoa! I love it my 2 favorite sweets in one.
sorry about the photo some days I can do it some days I can't

Last night I read Addicts blog about her childhood and some feelings she had. She quoated that she was not a good stay at home mom. I was not either. I am really coming to grips with that staying home with 3 dogs all day long. I really am content to stay in all day and do my thing whatever that is, but the dogs just being dogs behavior drives me crazy some days. I know now that I am a better Mother to adult children than ages 3-? The funny thing is I am a great kindergarten teacher, but there we have structure, rules and lots of things to do AND they go home at the end of the day. Not only that but by being the "teacher" I have more credibilty than parents do sometimes.
I used to feel guilt about it but not anymore. Their Dad was a stay at home dad (this was in the 80's when it didn't happen a lot.) He is great at nurturing, cooking doing that day to day stuff and he is experienceing it again as a Grandpa. I do better on the short term stuff. I did the education, crafts, music so it was a good blending.

I think the girls have won the lottery when it comes to parents, good Dad while they were growing up who got ???? when puberty hit, but this is where the good part happens they have 2 mothers who do best with them from puberty on. We get to be not only their mothers but their friends, he only had that place for 13-16 years we get them for the rest of their lives! He does too and I hope they are able to reconnect with him. One of them told me Daddy wrote them notes at Christmas that meant a lot to her. I didn't ask what but I know part of it was he was proud of them. What better gift can we give our children than to let them know we are proud of them and no matter what they do we will always love them.

Happy sunny day, I am pushing the need for color and spring
I did not grow these...Trader Joes people did...but I put them in water!

It has been foggy here a lot and it makes me need color and life in my home. I have the indoor house plants but today I need more than green.

Tomorrow is my last week day at home, then it is back to work. I love my job and can't wait to be with the munchkins. the only problem is I found out I have to share my room in the afternoon with 32 kids. this frustrates me as I was told it would not happen. I move to a new classroom every month. this is stressful at times but I was willing to try it. One classroom I go into is a Spanish speaking room so everything is in spanish. I adjust to that. I take everything down and put it back up every month etc. etc. I don't think I will be willing to do this next year. It is not fair to the kids or physically to me. It is hard on my body to move all the time. My saving grace I love my job! I have bitched now so I can go on with my life. thanks for listening.

Christmas Past...1953...my grandmother got the gift of her dream...oh yeah i bet knowing how well she liked to do housework! That's me as a tyke and my big brothers helping her. i am sure the box was much more interesting than the gift. It is interesting to see how times haven't changed I know people who still get those kind of gifts...of course I want bread pans and new spatulas for valentines day am I that much different?

Last night I went to see Brokeback Mountain. this movie really had an impact on me. That was my generation, kinda. I was in grade 7 - 11 in Great Falls, Montana in the 60's. I lived on a military base all my life. I was very sheltered. I had feelings but didn't understand them. I was attracted to women, but I dated 2 boys in high school. I look back at them and see they were more fem than butch one was an artist the other a musician. I usually wanted to hang out with boys rather than girls because it was much safer emotionally for me. The movie brought back those feelings of not understanding what I felt and the denial that was necessary to be accepted. I think this is probably one of the reasons I ended up with my first live-in (the abuser) In fact research shows that there are a lot of teen pregancies proving you are straight. Thank goodness I didn't take that route. I wanted the appearances of being normal but didn't want the sex. This made my life very difficult.
In the middle 70's I dated a few women but the whole thing scared the shit out of me. The women who were attracted to me were very butch with a capital B. They were more masculine than the men I dated. When I met my children's father this big ol Dyke (a 6 ft tall Prison guard who was more masculine than he was) was persuing me. He rescued me from that situation, unbeknownest to him. He knew I lived with 3 gay men was involved in the gay world but fell in love with me regardless. I also fell in love with him, at first I think it was the idea of the relationship, but I grew to love him. In fact I still do, but as the father of my children not as a partner. Having 3 children in 20 months defintely made the relationship different, along with some other issues that were resolved many years later.
I stayed away from gay people for many years until I got sober and my mother died. We seperated shortly after that time. Again I had to deal with the dating issue and who do I date. The major thing for me was how do you meet women in the town I lived in. I could have gone to SF to meet someone or even Sacramento but I had 3 babies. The women I met were not healthy, but then neither were the men. Eventaully I met and married the last man in my life. A very short lived relationship.

At this point it was the 90's and being gay wasn't quite so bad. I did do some dating with other sober women, I became friends with sober women and eventually met my wife of 11 years and partner of 13 years.

The movie made me thankful for those who have made being Gay Ok in that a main stream movie about Gay love would be winning awards. it was great to see older straight couples watching the movie. I would have loved to the world (kind of) of role models being out there, of society being able to see us as people first then as sexual beings. I never dreamed know what they thought about it. I am sure the sex made them uncomfortable, but that's how I feel about straight sex I see all the time in the media.

Happy HNT...thank goodness that this is not a close-up. It is like shoveling snow in a blizzard!

word associations..read the word write your first response
Paralyzed:: fear
Bossy:: kids
Worth:: life
Breathing::free
Uneventful:: wonderful peace
Return:: come home
Splint:: ankle
Notice:: see
Hero:: mom
Vulnerable:: me

Please remember to use http://subliminal.lunanina.com when linking to Unconscious Mutterings. Thanks!

I got an e-mail from my brother that he is posting my grandfathers slides on FLICKR. I got on and saw pictures I have not seen for years. My mother died 20 years ago last Dec. 23. My grandparents before that.
this is a picture of me and my cousins and I don't know where, when or why!
I really have very few memories of my childhood. I have wondered why, it wasn't a bad childhood just an ordinary life living on military bases moving every few years. My dad was home part time, my parents loved each other, didn't fight, didn't drink...took us to church on Sundays. My mom was always home when I came home from school. I have 2 older brothers (5 & 6 yrs. older) 2 younger sisters (5 & 9 yrs difference). I don't have a close relationship with any of them today.
I am the different child of the family, been divorced a few times, a lesbian, alcoholic and the only one who would just pick up and go or do things that the others would never think of doing. I also have the most distant relationship with my father. He lives here in town. The reality of it is that my family still doesn't always know what to think of me.
But what I want to know is why can't I remember my childhood? was it so boring that it faded into obscurity...it is also interesting that my memories are different than my sisters are. I guess we all have our own skew on our memories.
thanks for listening to my ramblings

I've just gotten out of bed, the house is cold and it's much warmer in bed. I have had time to think and reflect. I read addicts tale of Spokane and her changing her memories of her past. I have some of those "bad" memories" that I keep trying to forget but they weren't of childhood but rather of adulthood. I married at 20 (going on 13 I think) to my abuser. I had to marry because I didn't have the courage to just move out (no babies involved in this relationship!) I was very sheltered growing up I didn't know drinking a case of beer wasn't normal, my parents didn't drink. We moved out of town very quickly, then our families didn't know what was happening. I was ready for the adventure. Life wasn't bad for the first year just lots of drinking, I came to the belief that it is easier to join them then fight them. I drank a lot then too. We did a lot of moving, my saving grace was Nathan our dog. He would protect me from HIM. I survived 3 years of emotional abuse, my nickname was Shit for Brains. I began to believe him, I felt stupid and worthless and I would do what he wanted. The last year things got very physical, he tried killing me 3 times. The dog died and after the last time he tried to kill me I finally ran away. I never told my family what happened to me. to this day they all think I left him because of his drinking. Until the last year (this all happened 30 years ago) if I saw him I would run the other direction..I was afraid of him.the irony of it is he is 5 ft 4 and a 110 pounds! His father died and I went to the funeral. I didn't speak to anyone but I let go of a lot of hate and anger that I was holding inside.
I have helped other women in these situations but never forgave myself for being in that situation. I finally have. I told my daughter #3 about this and this helped some.
I still don't want to remember most of it but it is over now and it's time to forgive myself for being human.

This is why I don't get nekkid at home much with three dogs around one is always wanting to snuggle up with you....Have a great HNT

good morning, been off for a few days spending time with family and friends
I was still in bed reading, my rational is that if I am in bed reading I can keep the heat at 60 and therefore keep the bills down, plus the dogs love to snuggle next to me in bed. the doorbell rang...power company coming to tell me that power is going to be off this afternoon so decided I better get my act together if I plan on blogging today
I was watching regis and kelly today and was feeling pretty shallow...like they talk about nothing and get paid big bucks for it...why??? then they have this big thing for next month where you can win a trip to anywhere in the world you wnat to go to...that defintely put me in a quander...where would I go to? who would I take???? my first thought would be Hawaii to see my kid and take the fmaily with me...but that sounds blase...ok where next?? alaska, too cold right now...okokok thnik OUT of the box...this from the woman who in her 20's would qalk off the job pack everything in to the VW and just move somewhere like a ski resort or to the ocean without batting an eye...I need to think aobut this one just a little more...I thought NY<>

Talked to kid # 2 while she was waiting to fly off to see #3. she is so opposite of her twin ---she is at the airport 2.5 hours early, the other one missed her flight and almost didn't make it back to the ship on time...her luggage didn't.
How did we end up with 3 different children who were raised exactly the same? I look at number 1 kid she is so much like her father it is scary, if she weren't into God she would be into drugs. She handles money just like dear old dad too. I am grateful I love her Dad or it would be hard to be around her. (we've been divorced for years)
Some days I deal with guilt of the way my children were raised. They are good kids in spite of their early years of parenting.
I worry about all three of them. I wonder will they ever mature and be able to have good relationships with a partner? Have the parental divorces screwed them up in the trust department? I can't take responsibility for them, they are all adults who are good people--- none have been arrested, divorced, married, preggers etc etc. so what am I worried about? I hate it when they PMS (daughters are so much fun) and call me, I do buy into their shit sometimes...Ok enough of the pity pot I am grateful for all my kiddies and my wife and the dogs and the boy
I just have too much time to think
got to stay out of my head it can be a dangerous neighborhood to be in!!!

Today I realized I have not left my house for 3 days and I wouldn't leave it for another 3 except I have commitments I can't get out of. It's not like my house is warm and toasty and I have lots to do. I sit around keeping the house at 63 degrees, (menopause has been wonderful for the heating bill) and I watch movies or TV and read either books or blogs. I guess I am totally enjoying my vacation. I really could be a hermit if I stayed on line periodically and had books to read. I have the dogs to keep me company and my wife comes home every night, what else could a girl want. I talk to my children almost daily. The reality of it is I really do't want to feel too much or think even. I have done all my report cards and worte a full page about each child, so when I go back to work that much will be done.
my #2 child is going to Hawaii to visit her twin tomorrow. I am so excited for the 2 of them, #3 is treating #2 to all kinds of special trips etc. I can't believe what my children do and the courage they have to do it. I always live on the cautious side of life. I used to be a big risk taker, now I don't even leave the house if I don't have to. I hope my children never lose the ability to be spontaneous and have the courage to try new things.
so today do I ramble do I clean house do I watch a movie do I play with the dogs do i reheat last nights pizza for dinner do I do I do I do??????

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heartWhich is why you're attracted to the romance of RomeStrolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in handAnd gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

What City Do You Belong In?

You Are Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Creative. Expressive. Unique.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

OMG I forgot today was Thursday,

that's what happens when you are on vacation.

The sun was out the boys were out sunbathing so I thought it would be appropiate to show off my "winter whites", also is Sammy the baby checking them out. I know they are scary...but hell it's winter!

I took this quiz to see if I wasted many dollars and years in the wrong field, of course kindergarten isn't a choice but where else do I get paid to sing, dance and play all day?

You scored as Dance.
You should be a Dance major! Like a lithe ballerina, you dance because you believe there is beauty in expressing the physical form.

Dance92%
Theater83%
Art83%
Sociology 67%
English 58%
Journalism 58%
Mathematics 50%
Psychology 50%
Philosophy 25%
Biology 25%
Linguistics 17%
Anthropology 17%
Engineering 0%
Chemistry 0%

I saw the sun today!!!!!!!! so did the dogs I kept losing them and would find them outside chasing each other in the yard. and contrary to popular opinion the pugs are smart enough to come in out of the rain.
This is the first offical day of my winter break (Christmas doesn't count everyone had it) I have spent the last few weeks sleeping, watching law and order marathons, monk and xena marathons...how much more excitement can a woman take? I take a shower only because my wife is coming home. I have also read some books, lots of them...got to recommend Daisey Maisey and Birds of a Feather...great post WWI book from a young womans point of view
I have spent a lot of time talking to my children on the phone...god bless the person who invented cell phones
have a great new year!!!!!

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