I've just gotten out of bed, the house is cold and it's much warmer in bed. I have had time to think and reflect. I read addicts tale of Spokane and her changing her memories of her past. I have some of those "bad" memories" that I keep trying to forget but they weren't of childhood but rather of adulthood. I married at 20 (going on 13 I think) to my abuser. I had to marry because I didn't have the courage to just move out (no babies involved in this relationship!) I was very sheltered growing up I didn't know drinking a case of beer wasn't normal, my parents didn't drink. We moved out of town very quickly, then our families didn't know what was happening. I was ready for the adventure. Life wasn't bad for the first year just lots of drinking, I came to the belief that it is easier to join them then fight them. I drank a lot then too. We did a lot of moving, my saving grace was Nathan our dog. He would protect me from HIM. I survived 3 years of emotional abuse, my nickname was Shit for Brains. I began to believe him, I felt stupid and worthless and I would do what he wanted. The last year things got very physical, he tried killing me 3 times. The dog died and after the last time he tried to kill me I finally ran away. I never told my family what happened to me. to this day they all think I left him because of his drinking. Until the last year (this all happened 30 years ago) if I saw him I would run the other direction..I was afraid of him.the irony of it is he is 5 ft 4 and a 110 pounds! His father died and I went to the funeral. I didn't speak to anyone but I let go of a lot of hate and anger that I was holding inside.
I have helped other women in these situations but never forgave myself for being in that situation. I finally have. I told my daughter #3 about this and this helped some.
I still don't want to remember most of it but it is over now and it's time to forgive myself for being human.